Viewed in
2010
Premise
Arnold Schwarzenegger's breakthrough role as Conan the Barbarian.
Liked
Very little.
Hated
Everything else.
Thoughts
There was blood, bulging muscles, and boobs, but I was bored.
I wish I could think of something to compliment, but the only thing I could think of was Conan's hot mom actress. Sadly, nothing else worked for me.
Arnold was obviously a logical choice, given his physical attributes. However his accent was so heavy and indecipherable, it was like listening to a parody. The casting of James Earl Jones was puzzling, since you're asking him to Darth Vader it up in an inferior role, when Star Wars was still on everyone's mind.
The plot was plodding and the magic scenes made no sense. Add the super-serious epic fantasy dialogue ("CROM!!!!"), and you got something so silly that it unintentionally verged into Monty Python territory. While there were multiple sex scenes and naked chicks, not a single one was pretty. Even as guilty pleasure, it failed.
Considering this movie was Schwarzenegger's debut, there was some historical merit, but it still felt like a waste of time. Maybe if I was a twelve year old boy without internet, I might have found the hacking and nudity entertaining.
Lastly, I was shocked to discover the director co-wrote Apocalypse Now, and Oliver Stone was a co-screenwriter. How do you go from Apocalypse Now to this? At least Stone had an excuse that this was an means to an end; all his good stuff came afterward.
What I would change
Not made the movie.
